The Honeymoon Period Parte Treis: How to do the Knowledge
Omi's Note: We owe our readers this third installment of the "Honeymoon Period." We apologize sincerely for taking several months to bring you this final chapter. We hope that it has been helpful to you or someone you know. Again, thank you for all of the comments and emails.So how do we avoid getting caught up in the Honeymoon period?
Again every new thing we get involved in and every new person we meet we will get consumed by the newness of it all. I dislike comparing people to items but it's like that used car you just purchased with all the bells and whistles. We love every minute of it. We show it off to our friends. We like the new audio system and how everything is automatic. In the mean time while we blast our radio, we don't notice that irregular, staccato sound in the engine until that one faithful evening when the darn thing breaks down.
Let's face it: we love new things. We love new experiences. We love sharing experiences we people we just met. However, that doesn't mean we should be weary or vigilante. Here are but a few things we can do...
1. Trust your guy instinct -- Studies across the board have shown that when taking a multiple choice exam, our first answer to a particular question is right between 60 to 75% of the time. Oftentimes, we might have second thoughts and change that answer only to get it wrong. I say this because I always hear people say things about someone new that he or she is dating. "I don't know something about her doesn't jibe..." Yet this person will put that thought away and just enjoy the moment. That's your instinct or "gut" talking to you. Listen to it.
2. Pay attention -- How many times have we heard someone say something quite disturbing, yet ignore it? Sure those moments are awkward and sometimes addressing them head on in a particular setting is inappropriate. I have found that usually we always let alot of things slide. I can remember several girlfriends who said some things that I thought were way off but gosh, she had a big butt so I let it slide.
3. Ask questions -- It's amazing how much we can pick up from a decent one on one conversation. Ask away. I have also learned that quite a few people have a problem with this. Why? I mean there are appropriate questions to ask and inappropriate ones to ask. There is also a question of timing. You don't ask someone on the first day how many times they had anal sex (unless it is mutually understood that this is where the evening is going). Yet asking seriously and engaging questions is helpful in learning about people. I do it all the time. Knowing is a good thing.
4. When going on dates, try to go to places where you are engaging the other person most of the time -- I do this with the babies often. I avoid going to the movies or Chuckee Cheese because it doesn't allow me to interact with my children. When I was a bachelor, I would take women out to drink tea or coffee. Once you get that beverage, no one else bothers you. There are no distractions. You can really get to know someone through that in depth conversation. At a movie and even dinner, this might not happen as much. Eating out at restaurants provides too many distractions. Restaurants also try to promote a particular atmosphere that makes moments seem more enjoyable then they really are. When one engages another person, one has the opportunity to really ask those tough questions.
5. Meet that person's family -- Everyone I met who is not playing with a full deck of cards, usually comes from a family who is not playing with a deck of cards. There are exceptions to this rule of course, but I have learned that meeting family says alot about anyone. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. While you will meet people who despite their upbringing, miraculously came out seemingly unscathed, this is a great way to measure a potential mate. Going to a family cookout where a shoot out breaks out and ma dukes is ripped off of MD 20/20 since before the party started is not a good look.
There are several ways for us to ride through "the honeymoon period" with our sanity and our lives. In the end, its up to each person to see how much junk he or she is willing to put up with before they bail out. People can change, but it usually takes something dramatic to happen and not because your girlfriend/boyfriend helped out.
Labels: honeymoon period, relationships
Roller Skating Lessons
Yesterday, the babies and I went rollerskating. I realized a few things. Quite a few things actually. The first thing I suddenly realized was that this was the first time I have taken them rollerskating. The second thing I learned was that I haven't been roller skating in 16 years. It's just like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it. Don't get me wrong, I am not ready to join a roller skate dance team but with a few more times on the rink, I should be able to skate circles around anyone.
My focus however is not really rollerskating. I want to talk about parenting. I took along my daughter Amaris, and my two younger sons, Zumbi and Omokolade. Amaris, who has gone rollerskating with her dear Uncle Dolo and his girlfriend, M, on several occasions, preferred to go at it alone. Of course it broke my heart to see my daughter refuse my hand in rollerskating but she has always been independent despite my ridiculous attempts at smothering her. It was tough to see her fall but triumphant to see her jump right back up and keep going.
Zumbi and Omokolade, each one holding my hands, also had a ball but clung to me like flies on trash. Zumbi was his usual self: a quick and an adult like carefulness that always fascinated us. Omokolade being the actor he is, saw roller skating as the best time to launch himself to the ground every 30 seconds or so. He knew that his dad would just pick him back up. It took my quite a few moments to realize that Omokolade was playing me. So that was the story of my time at the rollerskating rink. I rolled around scooping each one up almost once per minute. My shoulders are still sore two dats later from picking them up while standing on skates.
While doing this, my mind drifted to Nando Parrado. Nando Parrado was on the rugby team that crashed into the Andes mountains in 1972. A few years ago, I read his part of the story in "Miracle in the Andes." Parrado took that fatal flight with not just his teammates but his mother and younger sister. Both of them died of injuries sustained in the plane crash. For those of you who don't know the story, Parrado, who doubted that anyone would come to rescue them convinced the rest of the team that someone should climbed the mountains to find help. Not to mention the fact that they were forced to eat the flesh of their team members who died.
What struck me was how powerful Parrado's relationship to his father was. Parrado didn't the fervent Christian faith his teammates had. Parrado felt that if he got to his father, he would be able to find the closure he needed move on with his life after that traumatic experience. He didn't feel that his father would just snap his fingers and make all those terrible things go away. Parrado just felt that he would need his father to know about what happened. Parrado understood that he was part of a family and he owed it to everyone to survive. This is what kept him alive. Throughout the story, he continually talked about the experiences he shared with his father.
Over the years, several of my friends have told me secrets that they never shared with their parents. Some weren't too severe and some I felt were things I shouldn't have known before their parents or other family members. I am thankful and honored that they felt secure enough in telling me what they were going through or certain decisions they made in their lives. What bothered me is that they didn't feel secure enough to tell their parents. Of course, this is not fault of their own.
People have always asked me what kind of parent I wanted to be. I was never able to answer that question honestly. I knew what kind of father I didn't want to be. My response was usually geared towards that area. Unfortunately to the X Man, I became that father I didn't want to be. After reading Parrado's book, I realized what kind of father I did want to become.
I want my children to feel safe enough to tell me what's on their mind. Don't get me wrong, I might get upset at some of the things they tell me, but I want them to understand that despite what they do, I still have their best interests in mind. I want them to know that no matter what, I will always love them. I want them to remember me when they end up in bad situations. I want them to think, "before I do this, what would Dad say or think." I want to be the constant presence in their lives. I want them to know that if they talk things out with me, they would feel much better.
It's just like when we went rollerskating. At one point, my daughter came over and put her arm around mine and we just skated. I was elated and she was, too. My youngest, Omokolade, dove to the ground every minute because he knew I would pick him right up. Zumbi was able to just be himself because he understood that I was there and he had nothing to worry about. Of course, when they get older they will realize that their father is just a human being with flaws. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.
Labels: children's books, fatherhood, Nando Parrado, parenting, roller skating
Safe Havens of DialogueThe last few weeks this has been a topic between my circle of friends. A good number of them run study groups, book clubs, investment groups, and building sessions of all sorts. For those that know me, they know I love a good build on every level. As a teacher and student (Sou mestre que aprende, sou disciplo que de liciao), I enjoy engaging folks in any intellectual discourse. Steel sharpens steel right? A healthy debate is good for the mind and helps mature our temperments.
Oftentimes, we find that several of our acquaintances enter these ciphers to discuss personal matters. Some even border needing a mental health physician. Unfortunately, many of us are ill equipped to provide counsel or even provide advice. For some of us who organize these groups or who come expecting the group to stay on topic, it is extremely frustrating. Let's be honest if I come to discuss a book or the history of black intellectualism, I really don't want to hear about someone's girlfriend cutting up one's clothes. I didn't sign up for that. However, it's something that we must sit down and look at.
I take for granted the idea that if I have a personal issue, I have a long string of family members and friends who I can talk to. If I got a problem, I can always speak to my wife. If she is not available, I have siblings. If I can't reach them, I have my mother. If I don't have them at the moment, I have several elders I can talk to. I have several friends I can talk to if I don't want to involve my family. Cell phones are a wonderful thing. Because I take them for granted, I forget that a good number of people don't feel safe enough to talk to their mates, family members, or have friends they trust enough to confide in. It sounds sad but it's true.
It's one of the reasons why you might go somewhere and a total stranger might spill their guts to you. It happens all the time. I used to wonder why would a total stranger confide in me especially about stories that are so personal? Yet these strangers might not have anyone to turn to.
When it comes to children, I always explain how we should always provide safe havens of dialogue for them (that is a post for another day). Children that don't have these safe havens grow into adults who have no one to turn to.
It's important that as organizers, we try to help folks as much as possible. At times, this can be overwhelming but we should use our social circles to help as well. Let's be honest, as soon you put something together whether it's a study group, a martial arts class, or even a party, people look at you as a leader. Helping people out is part of that responsibility. Maybe all you have to do is speak to that person after the function or provide them with a few phone numbers.
I refrain from asking people to recommend church groups. The thing about churches is that they still work on old modes of communication. Usually one person is dictating to the group. The response is usually done as a group and church groups tend to apply old world agrarian ideas to issues that affect us today. Let's be real, a good number of people who have issues are already in church groups so it is obvious that those institutions don't help on an individual level.
People might say that most issues are universal and are those that people have had over the ages. While this is true, I want to point out a few things. First, we live in a society where people change careers several times over. Back in the day, most people followed the occupations of their parents. If you're father was a farmer, chances are you would become a farmer. Today, people change careers like shoes. We also live in a society where people tend to migrate several miles away from family and social networks they might have grown up in. Where as, fifty years ago this was not true. I recall living near family for most of my childhood. I remember having friends who lived within walking distance of their grandparents and other extended family members. Nowadays people move around often to different cities and states.
Finally, we have more choices. Some of us have more options for dating, making friends, attending places of worships, where we shop, etc. Folks nowadays have more choices to make than their parents did. We also have more opportunities to be more content or more depressed with those choices. As intellectuals, organizers, and leaders we have to take those factors into consideration.
Most of all, we have to be open to help out. Oftentimes, we step into the spotlight and people gravitate towards us. Let's be honest, we all look at organizers as people who got it together. We look at them as people who know their way around and expect them to have all the answers. While this is not true, it is something that can't be helped. Yet we should also realize that we do know a bit more and that we should be able to help in some way.
Labels: depression, groups, organizers, safe havens of dialogue
The Good Book:The Bizarre, Hilarious, Disturbing, Marvelous, and Inspiring Things I Learned When I Read Every Single Word of the BibleBy David PlotzBook Review by
Dan Tres OMiAfter reading
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs, someone recommended The Good Book by David Plotz. As usual, it took me a second to actually sit down and read it. At first, I didn't see the point. If you wanted to read the Bible, just read it. Unfortunately most of us, including those Bible thumping evangelical fundies, never read the Bible in it's entirety. Ironically when we do read those bits and pieces of the Bible, we tend to read it with rose colored lenses or through the eyes of someone else (most likely a preacher).
When one does read the entire book from cover to cover, without those rose colored lenses, one ends the book feeling like he or she has been duped. After reading it for the first time, I was literally shaken. I learned that much of what I was told about what is in the Bible is hogwash. After reading it a second time, I realized that Christianity/Judaism was not something I wanted to be a part of.
I will admit that if one reads The Good Book by Plotz, one is reading the Old Testament (like Jacobs, he only messes with the OT) through the eyes of an agnostic who happens be to Jewish by culture. Thus Plotz digs into the OT with no holds barred.
At times, I found myself laughing out loud around strangers. Plotz is humorous, but the stories he outlines make for better comedy sketches. Other times, I am outraged at the idea that some people take the Bible as something that actually happened. At times, I can't believe I actually thought that this stuff was true.
Despite the ill stories of genocide, sexism, ethnocentrism, and treachery on the part of Yahweh and his chosen people, Plotz does find bits and pieces of hope and triumph. I guess if one has close to 40 books in one volume (depending on which "translation" you read), there is bound to be some happy endings right?
Is the book a must read? I don't think so. Again, if you want to read the Bible just do it without the middle man/woman. One can find enough humor and heartache on your own. Not to mention the fact that you can get a copy of the Bible for free almost anywhere. However, if you want to see what someone else read then you might want to pick up this tome.
Labels: A.J. Jacobs, agnostic, David Plotz, the Bible, The Good Book
Medicine for MelancholyDirected by
Barry JenkinsReview by Dan Tres OMi
As usual, the Omi's are always late when it comes to watching a movie. With babysitters, work, and volunteer time, we just can't catch a break. Which is why we are careful when it comes to a movie selection. Thankfully, we found a gem in
Medicine for Melancholy, a nice indie joint filmed in San Francisco directed by Barry Jenkins and starring
The Colbert Reports Wyatt Cenac and Tracey Heggins.
The story is simple. Two twenty somethings meet at a party and have a one night stand. The catch is that they don't even know one another's name and Micah (Cenac) finds 'Jo (Heggins) very interesting. It gets complicated at Micah learns that 'Jo lives with her boyfriend while 'Jo learns that Micah just came out of a bad relationship. Over a weekend, they get to know one another.
I enjoy the fact that the movie takes place in a city that is quickly gentrifying. Jenkins, a Bay Area native himself, carefully weaves this issue into the storyline. Eventually, the issue of race and gentrification seeps into the dialogue between the protagonist. Jenkins' style is worth the price of admission.
Micah sees life through a black nationalist lens while 'Jo does not. This adds to the conflict between the two as their feelings for one on another grow stronger while both are inwardly debating the choice of their actions.
The cinematography is dope. The score is definitely google material. Jenkins puts it all together even though the movies starts off very slow. The viewer is pretty much dropped into the situation from the first frame. After the first 15 minutes however, the plot thickens and the viewer is allowed to pick up. This would turn off many viewers but I urge the reader to be patient. Jenkins compensates for this lag and cleans it up towards the end.
I enjoyed this movie tremendously. It is one of those movies that one will have to watch more than once to pick up all of the themes. I hope to see more movies from Jenkins. I also hope that I see more and more indie movies that show more facets to black life than what Hollywood dishes out.
Labels: Barry Jenkins, gentrification, Medicine for Melancholy, San Francisco, Tracey Heggins, Wyatt Cenac
Who we should really be thanking...It seems as if every year I write about Thankstaking. Yes, I said it. Usually I rail against the fallacies of a corporate sponsored, hollowed out celebration. It bothers me that we continue to believe in racist, eurocentric fables of pilgrims singing Kumbaya with indigenous people. It is also a shame that due to our toils in a profit driven post industrial economy in which people treat people like widgets that can be discarded like so, that the holidays are the only time we can spend real quality time with our families. Those are the reoccuring themes in my Thankstaking post.
This time I would like to discuss something different.
Again, I have to say something about how we are only "thankful" maybe once or twice a year. I take issue with the fact that someone else dictates to us when and where to be thankful. Even if we choose to accept this order with good intentions, our thanks are usually very misguided.
While listening to an old Farrakhan tape while in the Navy (oh yeah, the irony in all of that is not missed), I remember him saying "...How can you love god whom you never seen, but hate your brother who you see every day." I know it's a Bible quote in which for the life of me, I can't remember where to find, but bear with me.
My point is this: we are quick to thank a mystery god day in and day out but forget to thank those who stood by us and supported us even when the chips were down. Now if you worship a deity, that's cool. My beef is not with that. It just bothers me that we tend to forget who to thank when it comes down to it.
What about all of those teachers who were persistent? What about those tutors and yes, even those sunday school teachers who went above and beyond? What about those supervisors who stuck their neck out for us when their jobs were on the line? What about those who offered to watch our bad children at no charge? What about those people who volunteer to work at those soup kitchens every day? What about those people who take strangers in and treat them like family? What about the people in our lives who made the difference when we needed them?
I am sure that many of us can fill books with the names of people who we know that helped people out and asked for nothing in return. It was those random acts of kindness that helped us get to where we need to be today. Unfortunately, some of those people are not with us today and many of us never had the opportunity to thank them.
So I urge people that every opportunity they get, they should praise those who have helped us in so many ways when you see them. Trust, even a thank you note goes a long way...
Labels: thankfulness, Thankstaking
Victim BlamingWhile studying Sexism, Feminism, and Privilege, I learned about victim blaming. Yes, it means exactly what those two words are defined as. I realized that like everyone else, I do a large amount of victim blaming not just on other people but as myself as well.
It is an unfortunate state of affairs when you sit down and think about it. When someone is hurt in anyway, we immediately see what that victim may have done to have that crime or transgression made against this person. It is so bad that when something happens to us, we quickly blame ourselves.
Example:A few years back while living in Norfolk, Virginia, our apartment got broken in to. Our stereo and TV were taken. My immediate response after sending two armed brothers to look for the culprits?: "Man, I shouldn't have left that bag window open." I quickly blamed myself. I never even remembered that the back windows were not visible from the street and there was a huge building behind our apartment. However despite those two items, I still blamed myself. It took me several years to look back and see who flawed that approach is. I remember coming up in NYC and gotten a bike stolen from me by two armed assailants. Guess who I blamed? Me. Victims of crimes do it all the time.
Like most people, criminals are creatures of opportunity. Instead of blaming myself, I should have said "gee, those guys had guns and saw my bike, there was absolutely nothing I could have done."
Unfortunately in doing so, we neglect the structural issues that need to be dealt with: Unemployment, a terrible education system, poor policing AND police brutality, easy access to illegal weapons, etc. Those are the things we should be blaming and trying to fix.
What makes it worse is that we extend victim blaming to other people. A young lady gets raped. We immediately check her sex history and what kind of clothes she wears. A young lady is beaten by her husband we quickly say she should leave him and refuse to place any blame on the abuser. That is a tragedy.
In the workplace when someone is mistreated or discriminated against, they are made to feel like the criminal even by those who have suffered similarly to them.This happens to women of color most of the time.
When discussing a particular subject or incident, we must think critically. We must get all the facts together. We must approach it from a wholistic standpoint and understand the dynamics at work here. Again, this means we have to be taught or teach ourselves how to think critically (notice a pattern here?). We have to study, interact, and know who the experts are and do the knowledge, plain and simple.
Victim blaming only shuns the victim, releases the accused and the guilty of all responsibility, and convinces others that silence and full compliance is the only safe wayto do things.
Labels: crime, male privilege, sexism, unemployment, victim blaming
